Ben, a three months, was feeding every three hours and having twenty-minute catnaps during the day and waking frequently during the night. He also suffered from reflux and various food allergies which could well have contributed to his unsettledness.
It is rather amusing to see the reaction, when you tell people you have hired a parenting coach (on an hourly basis, no less) to come into your home and settle your second baby. They look at you wide-eyed, with pity for your complete incompetence as a mother (it’s your second baby), or envy for your initiative (my baby’s much worse than yours and I just put up with it), or scorn (what a waste of money - we didn’t need that in ‘my day’).
These are the same people who would be equally appalled if you tried to fix your own electrical problem and then they would suffer in silence over your failed attempts. Worse still, they are the people who may deem your baby ‘naughty’ or ‘having a paddy’ when the baby won’t settle according to their unsolicited, anecdotal advice.
It is easy to answer to these implied criticisms. Firstly, like adults, all babies are different - what works for one baby may not work for another. Similarly, all family contexts are different. This is why we asked Cradle to Kindy for a parenting coach to visit our home. Parents and babies are relaxed in their homes. With our first son, we visited so many specialists about his unsettled behaviour, only to have him coo and look cute the entire time. Secondly, ‘baby skills’ and ‘parent skills’ are not innate. Babies are not born programmed with feeding or sleeping ‘skills’ - even if they have the innate drive to do both. Likewise parents don’t know how to teach a baby to feed or sleep, especially first-time parents.
People may argue that tribal societies didn’t need to have their babies in a routine - but they didn’t need to go to an external workplace or take their children to an external school, either. It is easy to lament the loss of extended communities and to wax lyrical about family members taking responsibility for babies and walking them around in slings - this is the romance of parenting.
The reality of course, is that many parents do not have support and they need to establish some semblance of order. Most ‘first-time’ parents are patronised by health professionals and not offered clear, practical help. They are told their babies are ‘difficult’ and they will just ‘grow out of it’.
Finally (and this is the main reason that we asked Cradle 2 Kind to help us), other children rapidly resent a baby that causes great levels of noise, exhaustion and confrontation. Additionally, it is not easy for the parents to ‘bond’ with a baby that screams inconsolably all day long. Parents may ask themselves “how can we afford to get professional help?” Yet the real question is “how can we afford not to get professional help - ie: can our marriage and other children survive the continual crying and distress of an unsettled baby?
Both of our sons suffer from multiple food intolerance and are under the care of a paediatric allergy specialist. Multiple food intolerance and Allergies are often misdiagnosed as reflux or colic, so it’s important to have any gastrointestinal problems diagnosed correctly. Once this is done, a baby with an irritable gastrointestinal system greatly benefits from a regular routine. Their stomachs are not overloaded by continual feeding and any medication can be given consistently. In fact, overfeeding is a common response to babies with stomach problems because the baby displays signs of gastrointestinal distress that are the same as the signs of hunger (crying, sucking hands, sucking furiously on a dummy, bottle or breast for comfort, only to spit it out shortly thereafter).
On a four-hour routine, they get a decent block of sleep instead of twenty-minute catnaps, and giving the feed at the beginning of up-time allows the feed to digest before the baby goes back to bed. Over-tiredness of course, makes the distress much worse - for baby and parent alike.
Our coach visited our home for eight hours and in that time she established clear up-times and down-times for Ben, and she gave us the confidence to allow him to cry for short periods of time. She showed us better methods of settling and gave us clear guidance regarding the night-time feeding. In one day Ben went from a three-hour routine to a four hour routine, cut out all of his night feeds and had more ‘tummy time’ than he had experienced in three months!
He also had about six hours of sleep in the day - instead of a few short, twenty-minute naps. He now sleeps from 9.30 pm to 5 am and even if he stirs (usually around 3 am), he will settle with minimum fuss. Everyone in our house is happier - especially Ben. We can’t recommend Cradle 2 Kindy and their techniques enough! Jane - Oatley, NSW
Also see Articles - Food intolerances and Allergies in Children and Signs and Symptoms of Reflux
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